Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Edwards lived an honorable King Edward III and his family. King Edward was known for his patriotism, strength and loyalty to his people. He was the type of leader that wanted to serve the people and wanted the best for his kingdom. As time passed by, King Edward started to age and had eight children of whom six were male. Per tradition, the oldest of his children would inherit the throne and continue his legacy. However, King Edward was known for his righteousness and wanted to grant all eight of his children the right to have a chance to inherit the throne. When the news broke, the eldest son was furious and felt belittled by his father. However, all of King Edward's children were currently working under him either in the kingdom’s castle or leading sectors of the army except the eldest one. The distress among the children worried King Edward and left him in dilemma whether to be righteous or follow the traditions. As the King was debating with the Queen daily about this topic for months, tension started to increase among the children which made the King feel like a decision had to be made. The Queen favored the oldest son to reign since the youngest four of the six were from a different wife.
That being said, the King had to set a family meeting to gather all the children and announce his decision. Before they met, the two eldest children decided to call for a meeting amongst their siblings to discuss this topic and try to come an agreement before they meet the King. The youngest child Jacob was known to be the bravest of men in the army and he had earned many honorable medals due to his vast achievements. Jacob had considered being the successor of his great father the King. When the children met, Jacob entered with an attitude and mentality that he deserved the inheritance as he had accomplished the most for the kingdom and the people.
The eldest child disagreed and wanted the throne to himself although he had not engaged in any military activity before. King Edward’s greatest fear was that his family would break apart due to greediness. That was prone to occurring because of a clash between Jacob and the eldest son.
Later that night, the whole family got together and King Edward was ready to give a speech about his decision. At the table he announced that this decision was not something that he could have decided himself because there were certain traditions that the Kingdom had to follow. That being said, he announced that the eldest son would reign and continue his legacy but could not avoid honoring Jacob for his great achievements for the Kingdom. The King advised his eldest son to take Jacob into his cabinet and keep him close to him as he believes Jacob has a lot of potential. Additionally, he also mentioned how by doing that, they would stay united and unity is strength! Although the king made the emphasis of his speech to be unity, the eldest son was unhappy about the King’s comment on Jacob as he had never seen him honor somebody in that manner before.
The whole family seemed at an agreement and Jacob was accepting of his older half-brother taking the throne and looked forward to serving his Kingdom. Months later, the King died and the whole kingdom mourned his death. The eldest son took the throne but refused to take Jacob into his cabinet. The jealousy in his mind and heart grew as the King’s last days were spent glorifying Jacob and the accomplishments he had made for the Kingdom. It became like a sickness in his mind, where he could not see beyond what he was capable of instead what Jacob has done that he has not achieved. This cancerous mentality kept on growing in his mind and his second brother was driven on the same wave. The elder siblings’ hate was overcoming the love in their heart and mind. They had refused to conduct meetings with Jacob and left him out of most activities. That started creating some tension among the family. The bond of unity that was left by the King was overtaken by the jealousy and hatred.
The thoughts of getting rid of Jacob had been lingering in their mind ever since the King’s last speech. Finally, they had a plot to overcome Jacob and get rid of him once and for all. One night the two eldest sons gathered and decided that this would be the perfect time to kill Jacob. They entered his room, and the younger of the two brothers grabbed Jacob steady as the eldest took out a knife and said, “The only thing the King said before dying was how great you are! Since he isn’t here anymore, you shouldn’t be too!” Jacob was at a loss for words as he got stabbed and died. The morning after, it was announced in the city that Jacob had been murdered but there were no signs of who had committed that murder. The rest of the siblings knew that the two eldest were plotting for the murder and decided to go to the people and overthrow the king. Since Jacob was the people’s champ, everyone stood behind his siblings to overthrow the new King and so they did! The Kingdom imprisoned the eldest son while the rest of the family agreed on the eldest sister to take the throne and become the Queen of the kingdom.
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| GoT |
Author’s note: The original story discusses how unity is strength. An old man before his death wanted to teach his children this moral lesson so he used a bundle of sticks to display it. He proved to them that individually they could not break the bundle of sticks. However, if they each took a stick to break, they can break it.
That resembled unity and the strength it can give. I decided to make a twist in the story to where jealousy and greediness overcome unity even if the family or group has a strong bond. Additionally, when it comes to greediness, many characters do unrighteous actions that are driven by unjustifiable motives. Due to their strength they normally can’t be called out for it by the people, but the story portrays how unity of the people can overthrow the strength of the leader. This is because leaders are created by the people and not vice versa.
The picture I chose is taken from Game of Thrones. It is a picture of Ned Stark getting executed. This picture was a shocking moment for most viewers of this show because he was accused for committing treason. The accusation, similar to the story above, was a result of jealousy and greediness by the Lannisters.
Jacobs 72. The bundle of Sticks From the Fables of Aesop by Joseph Jacobs
I liked your interpretation of the fable! You conveyed the message really well. I actually almost thought it was going to be the Biblical version of Jacob's story there, but I see the direction you were taking it now. I just have a few suggestions concerning the layout and such. Breaking up the text into paragraphs would make it a lot easier to read and follow along since it gets hard to pick out sentences when it blurs into a long wall of text. Also, a lot of the story seems to be related in descriptive sentences, but we don't really get a lot of Jacob's thoughts or his brothers' inner monologues which would help develop the characters more. And the ending where Jacob just gets stabbed and dies seemed a little rushed, but overall it was a good moral story! I approve of the Game of Thrones picture as well although it might be a little spoilery! Also it would be nice to explain the original fable a bit more in the author's note, but what you had helped too!
ReplyDeleteJacob dying was a surprise as I had not been excepting it but it was still good to read. I liked how everyone got together and overthrew the king since everyone loved Jacob. I have not heard of this story before but it was fun and easy to read and follow. I look forward to reading the rest of your stories.
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ReplyDelete^^ Sorry, had to edit my comment a bit!
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting! I originally thought that the king would end up having all his sons as rulers (hence the moral of the story), so I was surprised as I kept reading on. I really liked where you went with it, though! I do like how you went into detail with some of the sons, but what if you explored deeper into their characters, like their weaknesses or strengths and how they would be good as king so the reader can really see the dilemma in the situation?
I was surprised that Jacob died; I really didn't expect that at all. I do agree with Joanne that it was a bit sudden, but I did like this line:
“The only thing the King said before dying was how great you are! Since he isn’t here anymore, you shouldn’t be too!”
You portrayed the bitterness and resentment well in the last line :^).
I think it would be good if you broke up the story a bit! It's a little hard to read since it looks like one huge paragraph; I had some trouble following the reading. Nice job!
Afif, your story was full of sibling rivalry and I really liked that seeing as I'm from a big family myself (I'm one of 8!). Throughout your story, there were some twists and turns that I had to stop and think about with my own siblings in mind. For instance, when king Edwards was trying to make his decision about his succession , I thought about how my own parents would be distressed in writing their will with their children in mind. As anyone knows, this sort of thing can be very stressful, because how do you decide who gets what?! To add to that, I also found myself wondering, what if the king had become/gotten corrupted. That might be an avenue to go down, possibly? Lastly, as I read your story, I was wanting to know who the other mother was and why this really mattered to the family. My younger siblings are from a different father and as far as I can tell, this hasn't impacted our sibling relationships. I hope you enjoy my feedback for your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteI like all the sibling rivalry that has occurred in this story. I would suggest changing the font so that is easier to read, grey on black is hard to see. You did a great job with expressing the anger the eldest brother had for his brother but you could expand, if you want to, on why the second brother has hatred towards his younger brother as well. Maybe you could talk about an instance that set the Second Brother over the edge which made him help his brother. Lastly, if you wanted to expand the story you could say who ended up taking up the power in the end ( maybe one of the daughters take power *everyone gasps*?) All in all it is a great story and I can't wait to see what other stories you add to your portfolio.
ReplyDeleteThis story is really well done. I like how you expanded on the story of the sticks and created a whole story which shows how unity between siblings can be easily broken. I really like your opening to the story. It sets up the plot and tone for the story nicely. I think this is an interesting concept that the king wants to give all of his children a fair chance, as most stories focus on the eldest getting the throne. I think it's interesting that you made Jacob so confident. Most stories try to paint the youngest as most worthy and most humble, and many would criticize this kind of confidence, but I like how you made him want the throne as much as the rest of the siblings, and be more deserving of it. The ending is really tragic, but I feel as though it does a good job at showing the consequences of disunity and jealousy.
ReplyDeleteI have a few comments on the story as well, more grammatical. I think you should change the "an" in the first sentence to "lived the honorable King Edward III." I would also change the wording of Jacob's death. "Got stabbed" isn't as powerful as you could make it. Other than those two comments, I think your story is really good. I would just through and see if there's any other grammatical errors you could fix and improve.
Some things I am just curious about: I am curious if the throne is open even to the two daughters? What would have happened if one of them had wanted the throne. I also wonder how the other siblings felt about all of this. Do they want the throne too, or are they content with not having it? Also, what happened to the second eldest son after they found that he helped kill Jacob? These are things you could expand on if you want. Other than that, really good job.
I like the twist you decided to take with the story. I think it makes a powerful point about the dangers of greed and jealousy. I do have a few suggestions; one would be to consider changing the color of the font. It would make your story easier to read, as would breaking the story up into a few more paragraphs. Another suggestion is to add an anecdote at the beginning of the story, for example opening up with a quote from one of the characters or setting a scene, just to make sure the beginning really grabs the reader’s attention. Overall, really good job!
ReplyDeleteI love Game of Thrones, so it's always a treat to see a reference in a story and I can see some of the parallels between that Ed and the one in your story. I wonder, though, what it would have been like it you'd expanded some of the other siblings roles. What made the second son side with the first? What were the others doing while they were plotting? What about the sisters and the Queen?
ReplyDeleteThere are a few technical things I wanted to touch on too. I'm not sure if it's something with my browser or if something changed when you changed the portfolio label, but the test is black text on a gray background, which is very hard to read. It's only like this for this story so I'm not sure what would have changed. I would also recommend copying the story into Word to check for some grammatical and phrasing errors here and there.
You have a really good base here and I think it'd be really good if you could expand on a few things. You could even split the story and only focus on one part, like the just the murder plot.
Afif,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your interpretation of the story. I was drawn in immediately and couldn't stop reading because I wanted to find out what happened. I also really enjoyed how you included a central lesson and theme into the story. Sometimes in my own stories I struggle with keeping on with the theme, so I think you did a nice job. I also think I was able to connect to the story because I have a big family as well and we are always fighting over things.
Just a suggestion, but I would change the text color because it makes it hard to read!
Hello Afif, I enjoyed reading your story. Your theme of sibling rivalry reminded me a show called "Empire". Have you seen it? While reading your story, I was reminded of the show quite a bit (it's a really good show). I liked how you portrayed the King as just and fair at the very beginning of the story, which helped set the direction for the rest of the story. Jealousy is a very intense feeling and I think you did a great job depicting that emotion in your story. I could feel the jealousy and animosity in the older brother because you did a nice job providing details that helped me picture the story as it went on. I noticed a few grammatical errors that should be easy to spot once you read through it again, but nothing that detracted from the story. The title of your story was well thought of as well, although I wasn't sure what it was referring to until I read the author's note, and then it made complete sense. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job developing your story. You began your story with the essence of conflict. The reader could make assumptions as to how the story was going to progress. I did find it surprising that the King praised his youngest son so much before his death even though his eldest son was going to rise to receive the throne. As a reader, I could understand the eldest son's frustration, but I did not think that his jealousy would escalate to the point of homicide. I found it unfortunate that the other brother was an accomplice in the death of their younger brother.
ReplyDeleteI was curious about the sentence structure in one part. You said, "That was prone to occurring because of a clash between Jacob and the eldest son." I think that you just quickly read over this sentence. It's a fragment. I had to re-read the sentence because I wasn't really sure what "that" was.
I like how the story ended with the woman being chosen as the queen of the kingdom.
Another thing that I would suggest would be to incorporate the idea of "the bundle of sticks" in the story. I saw the incorporation of the unity aspect, but I didn't quite see the bundle aspect.
Afif, I really enjoyed reading your story. I thought you did a great job of putting a medieval twist on the original stick story. I thought it was smart to keep the overall theme similar, and I think you did a good job of keeping that theme intact throughout your own story with your addition to it. You did a good job with your image at the end! It gave me a good picture of what was happening at that point in the story when they killed Jacob.
ReplyDeleteI would've liked to see a little more expansion of the events at the very end when the eldest brother is imprisoned though. I thought this was a big addition to the theme of the story, so I think it would be good to really show what happened in more detail. Besides that I believe you did a great job with your writing. Keep it up!
I really enjoyed your story. I was expecting the king to dismiss both the oldest and the youngest because they were both arrogant and prideful and thus would not think about the kingdom. But I do like what you did with the story. It makes sense that both had to die for the good of the kingdom. I do have one question though, why the sister? Were there no bothers left by this point?
ReplyDeleteHi, Afif! I really like this story! I have not read the original story but I think you did a great job of explaining it in the Author's note section. I had a feeling that the eldest brother would resort to killing Jacob. I would if there would have been such greed if all of the sibling were from the same mother. I wonder if the mother would have felt like she could intervene if they were all her children. If you are planning on editing this story, it would be interesting to have more details about what Jacob's achievements were. It would also be nice to have more examples/information about how the public felt about Jacob. Also, you mentioned that the eldest brother was imprisoned after the public overthrew him. I was wondering what happened to the second oldest brother that helped him? Was he also punished for his actions? Overall, great story!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I love this type of genre and think you did a great job portraying the original. I think an interesting thing you could add in the future is a prequel to this story. I felt as if the king's past could be talked about more. In the story you said he was known for his patriotism. I feel like that can be expanded on a lot. Enough to write a completely different story along with it. Maybe you could tell how the king got to the throne and some of the battle's he was in along the way. I think that would be a very interesting way to expand on the already great material you have in this story. Also, I think maybe adding some more dialogue would help give the character's more of a personality. It would help the reader really understand who they are and the point of them being there.
ReplyDeleteHi there! This is a great story. In your portfolio index I would probably put the titles in there in addition to the number the story is or even in place of that. You have added some great details and if you were thinking of adding more to the story, I would suggest some dialogue. Dialogue can really turn thoughts into actions to make a story. This would give your characters more depth as well. The title of the story is what brought me here.... I was thinking it was an odd name to call a story and my curiosity really got the best of me! I had to click on it. I think there are a lot of lessons to be learned. I, personally, want to add more of that to my own stories so great job!
ReplyDeleteI read your first story. I think you adapted your version of the story in a very creative way. It is easy to establish this kind of theme with a royal family, so that was a nice choice! Firstly, when I read the story of King Edward and got to the part about the younger children being from another woman, I thought to myself “Scandalous!” I think the king’s decision was a good one. He clearly had sincere intentions with his decision, but that was a hard one to make nonetheless, even though I don’t think the oldest son deserved it at all. The eldest son’s actions did not surprise me. You gave good characterization in the beginning of the story that foreshadowed the outcome. I was sad that Jacob had to die, but I was really glad that good overcame the bad in the end. Nice story to start off your portfolio! I do think it would also be helpful to have the titles of the story in your portfolio index as well.
ReplyDeleteHey!
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this story. I think many of us can relate to this story because of the theme: sibling rivalry. I have a brother and a sister (I am the youngest) so there were times in this story I would find myself laughing and relating some of these instances back to my own life!
I think you have a really creative approach to the interpretation of the fable. I like that a lot about your story. You were clear, yet creative. That is something that I have not been able to master along the way through this course. I really like that you kept the rivalry between the brothers going as that is what makes the story. My only source of advice would maybe be to slow it down a little. I know that’s the creative approach you took but at the same time it is always nice to make sure all your bases are covered!
Erin